This question will transform your love life
The answer will lead you to a healthy relationship
I know you’re tired of dating apps, especially of profiles with selfies snapped in bathroom mirrors.
I know you’re over asking questions of your matches and not being asked any in return.
I know you think all the best ones are taken - that there’s nobody ‘decent’ left.
And I know that, based on all the above, you are asking, ‘Why should I bother? Why even try?’
But before you throw in the towel, let’s examine the points above.
On closer inspection, you’ll see that they all refer to what’s out there.
Which is why dating can feel so demoralising, because we can’t change what’s out there.
But this is where the good news comes in, because we can change what’s in here (she taps her fingers gently against her chest).
And often, when we change what’s in here, we get remarkably different results out there.
Now, I’m not saying that online dating doesn’t have its challenges. I know from speaking to clients and friends that there are plenty of pain points and potential pitfalls.
You have to contend with poorly written profiles, the aforementioned terrible toilet selfies, appalling grammar and rude behaviour, like people disappearing in a puff of smoke, without a word of warning, not even an emoji.
But what I am saying is that there is hope, there is so much hope, because you have everything you need inside you to change your dating experiences and revolutionise your romantic life.
The Question
All you have to do is step inside and ask this one question, as many times as it takes:
‘What needs to transform in me?
With every disappointing dating app exchange, with every dead-end date, with every long stretch of radio silence, with every relationship that goes awry, I want you to ask:
‘What needs to transform in me?’
To elaborate further:
‘What needs to transform in me so that I can have a better experience of dating and find healthy love?
‘What needs to transform in me in order to change the outcome of my dating efforts?’
Once you’ve asked the question, I want you to answer it with rigorous honesty.
I want you to be truthful with yourself, dismantle any layers of denial, get absolute clarity on your part in the dating dynamic and then find the courage to change what you can.
And I want you to do this repeatedly - ask the question, find your answer and change what you can - until you start having radically different dating experiences and find the love you desire and deserve.
Stand in your power
When you ask, ‘What needs to transform in me?’, you empower yourself.
You are no longer at the mercy of circumstances. You are in the driving seat of your love life.
You also give yourself the gift of self-enquiry, self-discovery and self-awareness.
And awareness is the first step to change.
I know this from experience.
To help you along, below are some examples of potential answers to this key question, with some practical applications.
Q. ‘What needs to transform in me?’
A. I need to value myself more in relationships, believe in my worth and communicate with self-respect.
What this looks like in practice:
Example 1: When the person you’re chatting to online says something that doesn’t sit right with you, that irks you a little, perhaps because it’s too casual, or too intimate too soon, or disrespectful, you don’t let it slide. You value yourself and you call it out. Depending on what was said, you either communicate with curiosity and ask the person to elaborate or explain what they meant and, based on their response, you either give them another chance or you walk away; or you walk away immediately, because you believe you are worth more and you know that if you don’t value yourself in these early interactions, you will start sliding down a slippery slope that will eventually lead you into a quagmire.
Example 2: You value yourself enough to stop talking to your ex, or to stop flirting with the person who’s attached to someone else but who keeps leading you on, or to end communication with someone who seems flakey and unreliable, who didn’t show up to a call or kept arriving late. You no longer rationalise poor behaviour. You call it a day, because you deserve better.
Example 3: Instead of dating online passively, waiting to be approached, waiting to be liked, hoping that whoever approaches you will be an eligible match, and then despairing when they’re the age of your grandad or they live five hundred miles away, you actively look through profiles and send messages to people who previously you may have thought were ‘out of your league’. Now, I appreciate that rejection can be painful but think of this as an experiment, a bit like sending out job applications or manuscripts to agents. Aim high. Give it a go. You have to be in it to win it. Believe that you deserve to be with someone whom you are attracted to, someone who catches your eye. Value yourself enough to take action rather than react, to ask the cute person to dance rather than sit on the sidelines staring at your shoes.
Facing your fears
Here’s an alternative answer to the same question:
Q. ‘What needs to transform in me?’
A. I need to understand my fears about falling in love and find the courage to face my fears.
What this looks like in practice:
Example 1: You stop blaming what’s out there for the lack of enjoyable dates or you stop saying that you’re too busy with your work to date and you invest some time in understanding why you are so frightened to offer up your delicate heart. With this newfound self-knowledge, you courageously walk towards your fears, with your eyes wide open and with support.
Example 2: You stop criticising and judging everyone you meet - because criticism and judgement create distance and therefore protect you from getting close to someone - and you actively choose to give someone the benefit of the doubt (unless there are any major red flags) and see them again or speak to them further. You leave your critical voice at home for the night or the week or the month and you give a promising connection the space it needs to grow. (Incidentally, I did this with a guy for six months and I’m now happily married to him).
Example 3: You stop fantasising about people who are emotionally or physically unavailable, with whom a relationship could never work out. You understand that living in fantasy keeps you away from reality (which feels comfortable because the reality of falling in love is frightening) and you make a commitment to work on staying present and grounded and to limiting your interest to those who are emotionally available and who are open and ready to explore a relationship with you.
I hope these examples give you an idea of how you might answer this critical question and apply the answer in your dating and relationship life.
In summary, it’s about changing what we can.
It’s about understanding what’s holding us back, what’s keeping us stuck in our old patterns.
It’s about growing in self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth and communicating our value to others.
It’s about understanding our fears, which are often rooted in our childhoods, and how those fears influence our relationship patterns, and then walking through our fears.
It’s about being more open, or less judgemental, or more playful, or more self-respecting, or having better boundaries, or having a stronger voice, or having a voice at all.
It’s about understanding our unhelpful core beliefs about love, dating and relationships and challenging and overturning them.
We can’t change others.
We can’t change the market.
We can’t change what’s out there.
But we can change ourselves.
We can change what’s in here.
As we change, as we respect ourselves more, as we treat ourselves as valuable, we teach others to treat us as valuable too.
And there you have the bedrock of a healthy and loving relationship.
I welcome your comments so please share your thoughts on this piece below.
Also, subscribe to ‘Finding Love in Midlife’ for more dating and relationship advice or, for the fast track to healthy love, explore my book, ‘How to Fall in Love - A 10-Step Journey to the Heart.’
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Thank you for this Wisdom! ❤️🙏 I am going to practice this inquiry with gusto! I am 52 years old and “still single” and I found this article so empowering. The popular advice “Become the person you want to marry/date/be with”, while pragmatic, still falls flat with me. I think its too simplistic for this life. Lately I’ve felt a new longing~ to shed my skin and unfurl a completely different way of being. ! Your article resonates with me on that level.
Standing in one’s power clarifies everything ❤️