How to stop people-pleasing

And be true to yourself

Photo by Erriko Boccia on Unsplash

Oh no, I’ve done it again.

I’ve thrown myself under the bus.

I’ve said Yes when I meant to say No.

I’ve silenced myself, censored my truth, lost my voice.

I’ve abandoned myself, neglected my needs and put others first.

I’ve contorted myself, squeezed myself into a shape that isn’t mine.

I haven’t been true to myself.

And it hurts.

Boy, does it hurt.

It especially hurts because I’ve been healing from this stuff for decades.

I’ve been recovering from codependency for years.

Yet, I still get caught out.

I still please others and abandon my needs.

I still struggle to speak my truth or lose my voice.

Why?

Because of my conditioning.

Because of my early life experiences.

Because I grew up feeling unsafe, around people who were angry or addicted to something.

And I learned to shut my mouth and subordinate my needs to keep them sweet, to keep them onside, because I instinctively knew that without their care, I would die.

I learned not to rock the boat.

I learned to stay quiet, please others and be a good girl in order to survive.

And these survival behaviours are deeply rooted.

They can be resistant to change.

But I can change them.

I am changing them.

And I know you’re changing yours too.

We change them in the following ways:

Self-awareness

We understand where our people-pleasing tendencies come from.

We become aware of the roots of our codependency.

We dig deep into our past, see ourselves as a little child, see how scared we felt, how risky it felt to have a voice or to please ourselves.

We familiarise ourselves with our trauma, even though that’s a big word.

We see that our needs weren’t met and that we had to find some survival tools to get by.

We show ourselves understanding and we shower ourselves with compassion.

Courage

Armed with this awareness, we tap into our huge well of courage and, little by little, step by step, we start to change.

We have a voice, even if we speak quietly at first.

We speak our truth, even if we quiver and quake.

We say No to others to say Yes to ourselves.

We dare to please ourselves rather than putting others’ needs first.

The actual steps we take will be unique to us.

A boundary at work.

A No in a friendship.

The end of a relationship.

Sticking our head above a parapet.

Whatever it takes to break the cycle of self-abandonment.

Support

We don’t go it alone.

We find people who are walking a similar path and we ask if we can walk alongside, or if we can hold their hand.

On occasion, when we’re taking a big leap, we ask them to hold us up for a while.

We break the isolation.

We challenge our self-sufficiency.

We reach out for support.

Forgiveness

We forgive ourselves when we revert to old habits and people-please.

We resist the temptation to bash ourselves over the head or berate ourselves.

We give ourselves everything we weren’t given as children, be that love, understanding, compassion, a kind word, the encouragement to get up and try again.

We treat ourselves as valuable, precious beings.

Celebration

We celebrate our successes, be they minute or momentous.

The No we spoke in the face of our fear of another’s anger or disappointment.

The minutes we clawed back for ourselves by not over-delivering at work.

The moments spent in the sunshine because we’ve left the office on time.

The boundary we’ve set with a friend despite feeling terrified.

The freedom we feel after putting a relationship on an equal footing or walking away from one that isn’t right.

Recovery from people-pleasing and codependency take time, especially if we picked up these survival traits as a child.

Be gentle with yourself.

Go at your own pace.

Love yourself through the pain.

And, most of all, wherever possible, find the courage to please yourself.

Resources & Workshops

For further support to overcome people-pleasing, watch the live replay of my workshop on this topic: ‘Stop People-Pleasing & Be True To Yourself’.

Explore my book, How to Fall in Love - A 10-Step Journey to the Heart, which will support you to grow in self-esteem, self-worth, resilience and to set boundaries.

Explore my other articles on similar topics here on Substack or explore how you can journey with me here.