Love yourself through Lent

An invitation to abstain from negative self-talk and to practise self-acceptance

Photo by Shamblen Studios on Unsplash

Fourteen years ago, on the eve of Lent, 2011, I sat on the loo at London’s Southbank Centre, glanced down at my thighs, shook my head from side to side, sighed out loud, and made a decision.

‘No more,’ I said to myself. ‘No more self-flagellation.’

I’d just been attending an event highlighting the pervasiveness of eating disorders and self-harm amongst women and girls around the world and I was riled.

I was angry.

I’d had enough.

I was a few days off my 40th birthday and it had just dawned on me that I’d spent much of my life – from my early teens until that very day – criticising myself, especially my body, my shape, my size and my appearance.

My thighs were one of my main targets. I disliked the way they touched at the top, especially when I sat on the loo and watched the flesh spread out.

But I’d had it with judging my legs or any other part of my body.

I was about to turn 40, for goodness’ sake.

This had to stop.

Was I really going to go through my 40s the same way I’d gone through my teens, 20s and 30s – giving myself a hard time, finding fault with my body, ripping holes in myself and my looks?

I didn’t want to do it anymore. I didn’t want any more of my precious headspace to be taken up with these negative, self-harming thoughts.

And what better time to implement a change than the start of Lent.

I decided that, instead of giving up chocolate, sweets, bread or crisps, as I usually did during Lent to lose weight, I’d abstain from negative thinking about my body, my appearance and my achievements.

I also decided to write about my efforts every day on a blog I called, Just As I Am – An Experiment in Self-Acceptance.

Here’s an extract from my Day One post from March 2011 (read the full post here):

“So I am challenging myself – for this period of Lent – to give up those nasty thoughts about my shape, size, form, skin tone, complexion, hair etc. etc. etc. – that go through my head numerous times a day. This isn’t going to be easy. As I realised this morning as I showered and got dressed, self-criticism is deeply ingrained in my psyche.

But the best I can do is to challenge those thoughts – so every time I’m tempted to pinch at my waist, look critically at my legs or tut or groan when I look in the mirror, I’m going to try not to. And every time I look at another woman and am tempted to think I want her figure, hair, face etc., I’m going to celebrate her beauty and also celebrate mine. I’m going to smile and say ‘Thank you, God (or Universe, Mother Nature, whatever concept works for you) for creating me just as I am’.”

Just As I Am - An Experiment in Self-Acceptance was my very first blog, which a few months later turned into From Forty With Love, a blog I maintained through my 40s and early 50s, a blog that provided the foundation for my book, ‘How to Fall in Love’ and that gave rise to the Substack you’re reading today, From Midlife With Love.

It’s amazing what can come out of moments of anger and frustration - from declaring ‘enough is enough’ and deciding to change.

Celebrating my transformation

And now, here we are again.

On Day One of Lent, 2025.

Fourteen years on.

So, how much progress have I made since 2011 in terms of my ability to accept myself, just as I am?

Let’s start with the positives.

I’ve made extraordinary progress.

I am now 20+ years into my healing journey from a gruelling eating disorder that began before I hit puberty and ravaged my body and my mind into my thirties. For years, I would binge eat until my stomach felt like it was going to split, starve myself in between binges and run around the park at every available moment to try to lose the weight.

I’m also 15+ years into my healing journey from other compulsive, addictive, self-harming, self-punishing behaviours including binge drinking to the point of black out, workaholism to the point of burnout, codependency and dysfunctional romantic relationships.

I am now so far away from binge eating and binge drinking and compulsively exercising and sleeping with unavailable men that I barely recognise myself, even though I fully accept who I was and what I did back then, and I understand why I behaved in that way, towards myself and others.

Today, one week before my 54th birthday, I treat myself with loving kindness.

I eat healthy foods in healthy ways.

I exercise because I love it and because I value my health, strength and stability, not to burn calories, to punish myself for overeating or to look a particular way.

My weight, size and shape have remained stable and consistent for 15+ years, except for tiny fluctuations over Christmas or on holidays, which I confess can unsettle me a little (I had an eating disorder for decades, remember) but are very soon forgotten.

I rarely weigh myself.

I no longer buy clothes with a view to slimming into them and I no longer have a set of clothes in my wardrobe that are way too small or way too big (as I did when my size and shaped drastically fluctuated).

I no longer eat in secret, hide food wrappers or pinch at my thighs and tut in disgust.

And as a result of this extraordinary transformation, other parts of my life have transformed too.

I have changed my career and built a coaching, writing and speaking business that is aligned with my authentic self and is of service to others.

I have found healthy love with a beautiful man, married him and moved to the beach.

I have found an inner peace and a sense of joy that I could never have imagined.

Yes, so much has transformed.

And yet …

There is always a yet, because I am, and always will be, a work in progress.

Ageing with acceptance

Let’s start with my looks.

While the way I treat myself and the way I feel about myself have transformed, the ageing process is throwing up some challenges.

As I approach 54, I’ve chosen to let my grey hair grow out (after decades of dying it brown), with occasional blonde/ash brown highlights to ease the transition, and despite the numerous compliments I receive for my hair these days, I tend to dismiss them and I can still say unkind things about my hair - about how fine it is and about its grey colour.

So, today, and for this period of Lent and hopefully beyond, I commit to abstaining from unkind words and thoughts about my hair, and to doing my best to love every hair on my head.

My skin is on an ageing journey too - wrinkling and sagging in places I hadn’t been aware of before, and my face has age spots, sun spots and some pre-cancerous blemishes that I really must attend to.

How easy it is to hark back to the days of younger skin, plumper skin, more elastic skin (although I never appreciated my skin back then), but harking back isn’t a good use of my time or energy and it dismisses the woman I am today - it tells her that she isn’t valuable or worthy, that she isn’t enough.

So, I commit, today, and for this period of Lent and hopefully beyond, to embrace my face and the rest of my skin as it is.

When it comes to my body, shape and size, despite incredible progress, negative thoughts can still creep in every now and then.

So, for today, and the rest of Lent and hopefully beyond, I will abstain from any unkind thoughts about my body and keep focusing on doing the exercises that make me stronger, more stable and reduce my joint pain.

As an aside, I’ve been doing 10-15 minutes of moderate muscle and joint strengthening exercises at home about 4-5 days a week for the last two months and I can see and feel the difference in my body. More stability, more tone, less pain.

I made a commitment to myself, I kept it and it’s paying off. I’m pleased with that.

For the avoidance of any doubt, the goal of these exercises isn’t to look a certain way, it’s to feel better, fitter and stronger and ready for the ski slopes in a few weeks, although in the interests of total honesty, I am enjoying seeing a bit more muscle definition.

Finally, and to deepen my self-love journey, I commit today, for this period of Lent, and hopefully beyond, to being kind to myself, in all aways.

I commit to massaging my skin with moisturisers, to hugging myself, to stroking myself, to championing my accomplishments, no matter how small, and to celebrating the steps I take, even if they don’t go so well, and to being gentle and compassionate towards myself, in thought and deed.

In short, I commit to giving myself everything I wish I had received as a young girl.

Your Lent of Love

Now it’s over to you, dear Reader.

As we begin this period of Lent, what self-loving steps can you take and what self-punishing thoughts or actions can you abstain from for the next forty days, and hopefully beyond?

Would you like to abstain from self-judgement, self-criticism or self-flagellation about your body, your looks, your achievements, your choices or anything else?

Would you like to put down the negative self-talk and pick up profound self-acceptance?

I understand it can be hard to stop the first thought, but what we can do is intentionally turn our minds to something else when the negative thoughts come. We can intentionally stop the flow of negativity and self-criticism and replace it with self-love, gentleness and compassion.

Why is it important to do this?

I hope it’s obvious. But I’ll spell it out just in case.

Every time we run ourselves down, berate ourselves, criticise ourselves, give ourselves a hard time, poke and prod at ourselves, tut at our bodies in the mirror, or judge our behaviours, actions or choices harshly, we send ourselves a message that we’re not good enough, that we’re faulty, that there’s something wrong with us, that we’re not valuable, that we’re not acceptable as we are - a message that perhaps chimes with or reinforces something we heard or understood as kids.

And then that message, that belief, grows and grows and impacts our lives in so many ways. It affects our relationships, romantic and otherwise, our work lives, the way we dress, the way we carry ourselves, our hopes and our dreams.

It erodes our self-esteem. It diminishes who we are.

Life is hard enough as it is without this constant stream of negative thinking, without bashing ourselves over the head or knocking ourselves to the ground.

We deserve so much better than that.

We deserve so much loving kindness?

Do you agree?

If so, will you join me on this Lent of Love journey?

If you appreciated this post, please like and/or share it and please subscribe for more. I also invite you to share your self-love steps in the comments and to explore the resources below.

Upcoming Workshops & Self-Love Course

To get you started on your journey of self-love and self-acceptance, I’d like to invite you to take the first four days of my Fourteen Days of Love mini-course for free. Click the button below, register and start your self-love journey.

If this post resonates, you may benefit from attending my online workshop on ‘How to Stop Emotional Overeating’. You may also be interested in my workshop on ‘Stop People-Pleasing & Be True to Yourself’. Both are hosted on Zoom. Explore the workshops via the button below.