Musings of a midlife, menopausal, childless woman with ADHD
Rolling with life's curveballs
Nobody’s life goes to plan.
We all get thrown curveballs, although some get more than others.
The key is how we absorb them and respond to them.
Life has taken me on a few unexpected detours.
Here are some that took me by surprise and, in some cases, knocked me for six:
Discovering, in my early 30s, that I had a chronic eating disorder that I’d been in denial about since my pre-teens
Losing my dad to cancer in my mid-30s and realising that I hadn’t known him at all
Kneeling by my bed, in tears, in my late 30s, and saying, ‘God, if you exist, tell me what’s the point of my life?’
Sobbing in the bath in my early 40s, wondering how on earth I’d ended up here: single, childless, burnt out in the career I’d given my all to, feeling soul dead and empty inside and bemused about how to make a relationship work
Losing my mum at 50 and continuing to grieve that complicated loss for years
Being diagnosed with ADHD at 53 while in the throes of peri-menopause, and finally understanding why I struggle to plan ahead, get anywhere on time or organise aspects of my life and my work
There have been wonderful detours too that I never could have imagined, especially not in the dark moments I outline above:
The years of freedom, travel and adventure as a solo woman in my 20s, including stints living and working in Australia, New Zealand, Mexico and Brazil (my adventures were fuelled by an eating disorder and other addictive behaviours but they were unforgettable all the same, and I am so grateful for those experiences and the fabulous people I met along the way)
Meeting my partner and now husband at 40, transforming decades of unhealthy relationship patterns to commit to him at 43, and marrying him at 48
Swapping my one-bedroom flat in London for a house with my husband on the Dorset coast and giving myself the gift of beach walks and sea swims that make my heart sing, my cheeks glow and my eyes shine
Completing my first novel and sending it off to agents (I’m still waiting to hear!)
Turning 54
Now, on the eve of my 54th birthday, well into midlife, almost out of peri-menopause and into menopause, still childless due to complicated circumstances (read ‘Am I childless because of my childhood’ to understand how I got to this place), I acknowledge the following:
That the past few years, ever since Covid triggered a chronic inflammation issue in my body, since my peri-menopause journey accelerated and since I saw the light about my ADHD, have been tough, really tough, in unexpected ways. I thought I’d done all the heavy lifting. I thought I’d done sufficient work on myself and cried enough tears and that the road would be smoother from this point. But a few years ago, my brain stopped working at the high speed I was used to, my anxiety hit the roof and my mood, on occasion, hit the floor, along with numerous plates I was attempting to spin.
That I can learn to manage my ADHD symptoms and understand the role it has played and continues to play in my life. I thank Kat Brown for writing ‘It’s Not a Bloody Trend: Understanding Life as an ADHD Adult’ and for leading me to Ned Hallowell’s book, ADHD 2.0. I cried when I read in Ned’s book that ADHDers have two types of time - now and not now. And when I read that passage to my husband, he said kindly, ‘at least now we know what we’re dealing with.’ My time blindness explains so much - my challenges with planning and seeing into the future, which impact my relationships and my business. Christmas and birthdays take me by surprise, as does Valentine’s Day, despite the fact I work as a love and relationship coach and it would be wise to be prepared for such a significant date in my work calendar.
That I have felt like I’ve lost part of myself over the last few years amidst these struggles but I know I can rebuild and emerge stronger, provided I can treat myself with kindness, gentleness and compassion and accept that I need to listen to my body and that I’m not in my 20s anymore.
That I deserve to invest in my health and wellbeing, to take the time to understand what’s happening with my hormones, how my ADHD impacts my work and my life and how certain foods (especially high-histamine foods) trigger an inflammatory response in my body. I found this episode on progesterone of the ADHD Women’s Wellbeing Podcast particularly enlightening and I am enjoying exploring the impact histamine and hormones have on my mental and physical health, via the above podcast and other sources, and via my wonderful friend, Kim, of Vibro Vibrant Health, who is an expert in natural healing.
That I have everything in me and plenty of support around me to resolve the problems I encounter from hereon in and to continue to create a prosperous, abundant, healthy, happy and love-filled life.
That this is my life. There is no other. That I deserve to stay as present as possible and avoid hanging out in the past of regret or the fantasy future. And that things are getting better.
There is so much more I could write in this article but one of tendencies here on Substack is to draft a post, not send it and move on to something shiny and new (a classic ADHD trait), so I will sign off here and wish myself a very happy birthday for tomorrow.
Thank you for being here and for reading and if you appreciated this post, please like and/or share it. You may also want to explore the workshops I have coming up on overcoming emotional overeating and stopping people-pleasing. You can do so here.