Tying a woman’s inherent value as a human to whether she has kids can open very deep wounds for those of us without children, and many without partners too. A recent PEW survey in the US asked 50+ adults why they didn't have kids... for around 31% it was a choice, and for around 33% it was due to not finding the right partner. The issue of childlessness by circumstance (particularly unchosen singleness) carries so much shame for women in our patriarchal culture, but we have to ask ourselves, what is going on here? Why are so many heterosexual women struggling to find partners? (And no, I don't think this is about being 'too picky' or any of the other nonsense aimed at women). And why are we not asking more questions about what's going on with men?
Thank you for this @Jody Day I explore those questions all the time in my relationship coaching work with single childless women and I’m pleased to say I’ve also worked with men. Often, we - all genders - need to look deep beneath the surface to understand what’s going on. It’s a fascinating topic. 🌺
Such a thoughtful and well written article, thank you Katherine 🙏. Your honesty is so refreshing, I have felt the ‘less than’ way you describe, I don’t have children, am single and never been married and I’m 51, you can imagine what a field day some people could have with that information!! What I know and I’m trying very hard to heal the failure and less than wounds of childhood is that I am a caring, thoughtful, kind, interesting and passionate person who has been lucky enough this far to have had a rich and varied life. I do believe people have the right to their own opinions but with that freedom as with any other freedom comes responsibility not to use that power to diminish, dismiss, undermine or abuse others. Unfortunately we continue to see people in positions of power doing just that but that is very clearly a reflection on them and possibly how fundamentally threatened they feel by someone different to them, particularly a women who does not ‘conform’ to how they think women ‘should’ be!! I have also seen women treat other women like this too which also makes me sad but you just have to keep on keeping on with grace and compassion for yourself first before anyone else. Healing those wounds is a different difficult but brave journey, it’s not for the faint hearted……many people will not go there…….you carry on being you 🙂 and helping change the world one step at a time xxx
Thank you so much for your lovely words and encouragement Kate. I really appreciate it. I love the affirming way in which you describe yourself - caring, thoughtful, a rich life and so forth. It’s moving to read those words as it’s so important to validate and affirm ourselves especially if we feel different or less than 🌺🌺🌺
Thank you for being honest about your thoughts on this. I abhor what Vance said but as a philosophical exercise I have also wondered if I do truly care about the future as much as those with kids. My life focus is to enjoy the moment as much as possible, so I suppose another positive way to frame this is ‘I want our world to continue to have a positive & productive present’ and act accordingly. After all there are plenty of people with kids who’ve not considered it at all judging by their behaviour.
Thank you for sharing Emma. Being present and enjoying my life is also a big focus for me and I think it’s a gift if we can do that because many of us find it hard to do it. I’ve certainly thought life had to be a struggle. I’m trying to let go of that. I think it’s inspiring and freeing to see people living in the present and enjoying life. 🌺
Katherine, this is so beautifully written and vulnerable. Thank you for your openness and generosity on the page. It’s pieces like this that the “other side” might ultimately be changed by. Gentle honesty like this calms people and helps regulate their nervous systems and just might prompt them to listen. 🙏🏻
Thanks for giving voice to this. Those comments land painfully and when I voiced them to a fellow childless friend the other day she responded 'but it's kind of true' which I think illustrates exactly your point - those messages have seeped into even our own psyches. I'd love to see us 'childless cat ladies' reclaiming that term the way the gay community reclaimed the word 'queer'
Oh, that's so sad that your friend feels this way? Do you think she really does, or has internalised this message? There are people out there who don't care about the future, but that includes plenty of parents too. Katy Seppi is right that anyone who truly claims this belief (that people without children don't care about the future of their country or humanity) is just displaying their selfishness.
That is really sad. I know that there are times when I’ve parroted the negative beliefs of others about me and people like me, to the detriment of myself and (inadvertently) others.
This is such a brave post. Thank you for sharing your perspective, Katherine. I am sorry that even in 2024 women are still being made to feel inferior for their relationship statuses. As a divorced woman with only one surviving child (I've been calling myself a catless childlady recently...), I know how inferior I've been made to feel, particularly in church circles, for my 'family' status, so I can only begin to imagine how some people will treat women who are single and/or childfree or childless. I agree with Katy Seppi that those attitudes are absolutely a negative reflection on them, and that their toxic messages will hurt their children.
"So the surface reason (the messages I receive from society) compounds the deeper reason (the inherent low self-worth) and I’m left questioning whether I’m equal to others, whether I have the same right to be here, the same stake, whether I deserve to take up the same amount of space."
As someone who also has developmental trauma I have had similar feelings, although over different issues. Your words have helped remind me that the messages I have had from society (mostly about my lack of success in education and a career) are more about the people saying these things triggering my deep seated low self-worth, rather than their messages being in any way valid. Thank you for your courage in writing this. You, and all women reading this, have every right to take up space in this world.
Thank you so much for your comment and kind and encouraging words Emma. I've been away so I'm only seeing them now. I hear your experience too within church circles and your experience with developmental trauma. The most important work is on the inside - the more we can transform our feelings about ourselves, the more we will show up differently in the world and, hopefully, change attitudes - and if we can't change attitudes, those attitudes won't wound us like they did before. Thanks for being here.
Speaking as a mother of three daughters here, I'm going to go out on a limb (because I don't know how this will be received). Let me first say I don't know whether or not I believe in the actuality of what's happening in Woodstock NY.
Since June 2011 there has been a
monthly apparition of a being who is known as The Lady' She is non denominational and has many radical messages for her followers. The pertinent one here is that we are ALL called to be mothers - women, men, whether or not we have biological children. What the world and civilization needs now more than anything is Mothering from every single one of us- no exceptions.
If you are interested in discovering more go to www.wayoftherose.org. They also have a very lively FaceBook community where they don't tolerate any proselytizing. The person who receives the visions is a writer and he runs the group with his wife who is also a writer 😊
Tying a woman’s inherent value as a human to whether she has kids can open very deep wounds for those of us without children, and many without partners too. A recent PEW survey in the US asked 50+ adults why they didn't have kids... for around 31% it was a choice, and for around 33% it was due to not finding the right partner. The issue of childlessness by circumstance (particularly unchosen singleness) carries so much shame for women in our patriarchal culture, but we have to ask ourselves, what is going on here? Why are so many heterosexual women struggling to find partners? (And no, I don't think this is about being 'too picky' or any of the other nonsense aimed at women). And why are we not asking more questions about what's going on with men?
https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2024/07/25/the-experiences-of-u-s-adults-who-dont-have-children/
Thank you for this @Jody Day I explore those questions all the time in my relationship coaching work with single childless women and I’m pleased to say I’ve also worked with men. Often, we - all genders - need to look deep beneath the surface to understand what’s going on. It’s a fascinating topic. 🌺
Great question!
Such a thoughtful and well written article, thank you Katherine 🙏. Your honesty is so refreshing, I have felt the ‘less than’ way you describe, I don’t have children, am single and never been married and I’m 51, you can imagine what a field day some people could have with that information!! What I know and I’m trying very hard to heal the failure and less than wounds of childhood is that I am a caring, thoughtful, kind, interesting and passionate person who has been lucky enough this far to have had a rich and varied life. I do believe people have the right to their own opinions but with that freedom as with any other freedom comes responsibility not to use that power to diminish, dismiss, undermine or abuse others. Unfortunately we continue to see people in positions of power doing just that but that is very clearly a reflection on them and possibly how fundamentally threatened they feel by someone different to them, particularly a women who does not ‘conform’ to how they think women ‘should’ be!! I have also seen women treat other women like this too which also makes me sad but you just have to keep on keeping on with grace and compassion for yourself first before anyone else. Healing those wounds is a different difficult but brave journey, it’s not for the faint hearted……many people will not go there…….you carry on being you 🙂 and helping change the world one step at a time xxx
Thank you so much for your lovely words and encouragement Kate. I really appreciate it. I love the affirming way in which you describe yourself - caring, thoughtful, a rich life and so forth. It’s moving to read those words as it’s so important to validate and affirm ourselves especially if we feel different or less than 🌺🌺🌺
Thank you Katherine 🙂🙏🌻
Thank you for being honest about your thoughts on this. I abhor what Vance said but as a philosophical exercise I have also wondered if I do truly care about the future as much as those with kids. My life focus is to enjoy the moment as much as possible, so I suppose another positive way to frame this is ‘I want our world to continue to have a positive & productive present’ and act accordingly. After all there are plenty of people with kids who’ve not considered it at all judging by their behaviour.
Thank you for sharing Emma. Being present and enjoying my life is also a big focus for me and I think it’s a gift if we can do that because many of us find it hard to do it. I’ve certainly thought life had to be a struggle. I’m trying to let go of that. I think it’s inspiring and freeing to see people living in the present and enjoying life. 🌺
Katherine, this is so beautifully written and vulnerable. Thank you for your openness and generosity on the page. It’s pieces like this that the “other side” might ultimately be changed by. Gentle honesty like this calms people and helps regulate their nervous systems and just might prompt them to listen. 🙏🏻
Thank you so much Paula. I’m very grateful for your kind words and encouragement as it felt risky to share this. 🌺
Thanks for giving voice to this. Those comments land painfully and when I voiced them to a fellow childless friend the other day she responded 'but it's kind of true' which I think illustrates exactly your point - those messages have seeped into even our own psyches. I'd love to see us 'childless cat ladies' reclaiming that term the way the gay community reclaimed the word 'queer'
Thank you for sharing this Vicki. 'Messages seeping into our own psyches' explains it so well.
Oh, that's so sad that your friend feels this way? Do you think she really does, or has internalised this message? There are people out there who don't care about the future, but that includes plenty of parents too. Katy Seppi is right that anyone who truly claims this belief (that people without children don't care about the future of their country or humanity) is just displaying their selfishness.
I think she was going through a down period, where it's easy to feel defeated by the harsh comments of others and take them to heart...
That is really sad. I know that there are times when I’ve parroted the negative beliefs of others about me and people like me, to the detriment of myself and (inadvertently) others.
This is such a brave post. Thank you for sharing your perspective, Katherine. I am sorry that even in 2024 women are still being made to feel inferior for their relationship statuses. As a divorced woman with only one surviving child (I've been calling myself a catless childlady recently...), I know how inferior I've been made to feel, particularly in church circles, for my 'family' status, so I can only begin to imagine how some people will treat women who are single and/or childfree or childless. I agree with Katy Seppi that those attitudes are absolutely a negative reflection on them, and that their toxic messages will hurt their children.
"So the surface reason (the messages I receive from society) compounds the deeper reason (the inherent low self-worth) and I’m left questioning whether I’m equal to others, whether I have the same right to be here, the same stake, whether I deserve to take up the same amount of space."
As someone who also has developmental trauma I have had similar feelings, although over different issues. Your words have helped remind me that the messages I have had from society (mostly about my lack of success in education and a career) are more about the people saying these things triggering my deep seated low self-worth, rather than their messages being in any way valid. Thank you for your courage in writing this. You, and all women reading this, have every right to take up space in this world.
Thank you so much for your comment and kind and encouraging words Emma. I've been away so I'm only seeing them now. I hear your experience too within church circles and your experience with developmental trauma. The most important work is on the inside - the more we can transform our feelings about ourselves, the more we will show up differently in the world and, hopefully, change attitudes - and if we can't change attitudes, those attitudes won't wound us like they did before. Thanks for being here.
I hope you had a restful time away! Yes, the important work is on what is happening within us. I’m very thankful for therapy!
Me too! It’s been transformative. How fortunate we are to be walking this path.
Speaking as a mother of three daughters here, I'm going to go out on a limb (because I don't know how this will be received). Let me first say I don't know whether or not I believe in the actuality of what's happening in Woodstock NY.
Since June 2011 there has been a
monthly apparition of a being who is known as The Lady' She is non denominational and has many radical messages for her followers. The pertinent one here is that we are ALL called to be mothers - women, men, whether or not we have biological children. What the world and civilization needs now more than anything is Mothering from every single one of us- no exceptions.
If you are interested in discovering more go to www.wayoftherose.org. They also have a very lively FaceBook community where they don't tolerate any proselytizing. The person who receives the visions is a writer and he runs the group with his wife who is also a writer 😊
I agree that mothering comes in so many forms. Thank you for sharing this 🌺